#check trigger warnings

[schemmentisimpasours]

Monsters In My Head- It's Not Your Fault

So sorry for the delay. Life sucks is the short version.

Summary: Couple therapy is now here for you and Melissa. Nightmares are clogging your morning and emotions have bubbled over for Melissa leaving you both hollow. It is up to you and Melissa to figure out if it is going to rip you apart or build you from the ground up.

Warnings: Nightmares, alluding to past domestic violence, belts in reference to abuse (vague), alluding to parental neglect, alluding to physical violence, Melissa! Fighter, Therapy setting, Couples therapy, crying, hurt/comfort (FEAR NOT MORE FLUFF AND LESS ANGST IS COMING SOON... maybe)

PS- I am currently working through a lot of personal things in my life right now with my future layoff, trying to find a new job, handling normal life, and working double time to make roster for my next derby game. I am stressed. And it shows in my writing. Prepare for a lot of angst with a sprinkling of fluff and hope. Middle picture is absolutely from Pinterest no regrets

Thanks to: @writerspirit for bouncing ideas with me and giving me so many good things to add to this chapter. I couldn't have done this without you. <3

@saradika-graphics provided the divider.

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Masterlist

Thunder cracked in the distance, and you flinched, pressing yourself further into the couch cushions. It was only a matter of time before she would be home, her boiling anger filling every space in the apartment. You couldn’t even remember what had made her so mad, only that she texted you earlier in the day to sit on the couch and wait. After two years together, you realized what she wanted. Dressed in nothing but a bra and underwear, you were shivering but too scared to grab for a blanket. You had tried that once, and it had only caused more pain and missing a week’s worth of classes while you waited for the bruising to go down. So, instead, you waited for your girlfriend and plotted a way to get out of all of this. 

Twenty minutes later, the front door bounced against the wall, and you bit down on your lip to stop from screaming. Kylee stood in the doorway, a menacing grin highlighted against her raven colored hair.  She reached for her brown leather belt and the buckle loosening sent a shiver down your spine. The welts from the previous time still were a red against your back and thighs and you could feel them stinging as she stalked across the floor towards you. With the belt in hand she pulled it taught with a snap. You lost composure and screamed this time and the snapping didn’t stop as the sound of the leather mixed in with the sound of the thunder outside. The rain that you once loved turning into a nightmare that would forever haunt you. 

You woke with a jump the sound of your alarm breaking through the dream. You glanced at your clock and swore when you realized that you had slept through all but your holy shit we are going to be really late alarm. Running to your closet you threw on a pair of black slacks, a plain black tank top and grabbed the first jacket that you could find to pull over it. There was no time to think about the outfit only to get dressed and go. The denim of the jacket wrapped around you as you reached for your bag and rushed through the door. 

 By the time that you pulled into the school there was only a couple of minutes before the bell rang. With your whole morning routine off kilter you looked frazzled by the time that you got to sign in sheet. You were about to take off towards your classroom when something red caught your eye. Sitting across from Ava’s desk was Melissa her shoulders shaking slightly. Typically you would have guessed it was from laughter. The two women bantering back and forth any chance they got but you had learned to read every minute detail of your girlfriend. It was not laughter that spread across her but sadness. Your worries were only confirmed when Ava handed over a tissue and Melissa wiped away at her eyes. 

Another beat past before Melissa pulled at her blazer as if to reset herself. She stood and with a nod to Ava she was out the door. You locked eyes with her and she immediately stopped. Her eyes were puffy and a small sag was pressing down on her shoulders. Yet as she saw you a smile spread across her face. Her whole mood lighten by your presence alone.

“That is my jacket,” She grinned walking towards you, “I have been looking for it and you. Rough start to the morning?”

You looked down at the jacket for the first time all morning and realized it was hers. The one she had worn to help you and Janine learn how to cook. When it had became clear your crush was not going to be going away anytime soon. A week later Melissa had asked you out on your first date. You had stolen the jacket from her one day when you spent the night at her house and had never returned it. Wrapping up in it when the world seemed to be closing in on you. It was like being held by the redhead herself even if she was not in the actual room you occupied. It shouldn’t have been a surprise that after your most recent nightmare that is the one you had gravitated for. Even if the smell of Melissa had long since faded from the blue fabric.

“Yeah, I guess I should give it back. It doesn’t smell like you anymore. Wore it during too many emotional crises,” You joked but there was a sadness to your tone.

“Are you okay?” Melissa asked reaching toward your hand.

“I should be asking you that,” You deflected squeezing her hand gently the cold metal of her rings grounding you temporarily the sound of the bell saved you from more questions, “I’ll see you later Mel.”

You took off towards your classroom and Melissa watched a furrow in her brow displaying her concern for you. Something had clearly thrown you off your balance and a little part of her wondered if it was you regretting the second chance you had given the older woman. However with her jacket wrapped around you hope was still present amongst the monsters running in her head. Pushing these thoughts from her mind she moved to take care of her little eagles. Their smiling faces reminding her that she could make it through this. Another day of being sober and another day of working to win you back. 

Your thrown off morning turned into a crazy lunch period. Just as you were about to enter the breakroom a fight had broken out in the cafeteria that Jacob had needed back up on. Once that had been settled and the kids sent to talk to Ava incident reports were plopped on your desk by Dia that had to be taken care of immediately. You filled it out through small bites of lunch that Melissa had left with a note on your desk. 

That jacket looks better on you than it ever did on me.

You had hoped to catch some glimpse of the older woman but by the time that you had finished the reports and turned them in lunch was over and the chaos in your classroom started again. It kept you pre occupied through the rest of your day the final bell coming as a relief to your frayed nerves. All you wanted to do was go home and curl up in your bed when you glanced down at your calendar. The couple therapy appointment was written in bold letters and everything clicked back in. Gathering your things you stopped by Melissa’s classroom but it was already dark with the redhead nowhere to be seen. A pit formed in your stomach as you worried about if she was going to show up at all. 

However when you opened the door to Ouida’s waiting room she was in a corner chair leg bouncing up and down as she pretended to read a magazine. She looked up noticing it was you and immediately tossed the pages down rushing towards you. Unconsciously you had already extended your arms allowing her to press close to you. Your senses overloaded with Melissa actually holding you for the first time in weeks. Not drunk. Not just grabbing your hand. But fists curled into your jacket. Head nestled into the crook of your neck. Chest pressed close to yours. 

“I haven’t seen you all day,” Melissa said voice muffled as she refused to move, “I fuckin’ missed you.”

You knew that things weren’t mended in your relationship. There were still holes and cuts that put everything in an uncomfortable patch. But in this moment you didn’t care, “I missed you too Angel.”

“Well this is a good sign,” Ouida said, making you jump.

Melissa let go of you dropping her hand to take yours, “Hey doc, It’s been a long day but it’s better now I got her.”

Ouida smiled and a little piece of you melted at Melissa’s words. The therapist waved you into her office and Melissa led you onto the small couch in the room. You had been in this room over a hundred times at this point but something was different about it every time you came in. This time there were two journals laid on the coffee table. One a velvet green with a golden sun etched into the cover. The other a dark purple with a moon etched in silver. 

“For you both,” Ouida said pushing the sun towards you and the moon towards Melissa, “Every night I want you to write in these journals. But I want you to write to each other. Everything that you are to afraid to put into words or what you did during the day. It doesn’t matter. At the end of our time together you will swap the journals.”

Melissa ran her finger over the corners of the journal, “Y/N has always been a better writer than me.”

“Well now you get the chance to practice. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be,” Ouida reassured her, “How was your days? Y/N you go first.” You knew the routine of therapy by now and knew what she was looking for but the thought of sharing the details with Melissa had you frozen. Her hand now absent from yours the only thing you could do was pick at the sleeve of the denim jacket. Curling into a ball in the corner of the couch you tried to find a way to ground yourself. 

“I had a nightmare,” You started eyes focused on the ridges of the journal’s sun, “It made me late for work and I felt like I couldn’t catch up.”

You could feel both of the other woman look intently at you but didn’t elaborate. Ouida was the first to break the silence, “Since she seems a little hesitant to share I feel I have to ask. Melissa have you been witness to Y/N’s nightmares before?”

Melissa stumbled over her words before she found her groove, “Uh.. I.. Yeah. I have. Almost every night when we first started spending the night together. Then a little less before. Um before the incident.”

You looked up at her shocked that she knew about the nightmares. You swore that you never had experience them around her before. At your confused expression she continued, “You would never remember when you woke up if I asked. At first I thought you were trying to play it off but you genuinely would not remember. As if it was so difficult you erased it from your memory. Then I realized when I started asking it made you really uncomfortable so I stopped alluding to it at all. Learned ways through trial and error on what to do. Asked Janine to fill in the gaps if I could.”

Tears formed at the corner of your eyes as you took in what she said, “You asked Janine how to help?”

“I was scared and figured at some point she must have dealt with it to. Some nights you would wake up screaming. Stop. Please not again. I won’t do it again. Just stop hurting me. I learned really quick not to touch you during those nightmares. You would devolve into shaking that went on for such a long time. I had to talk to you. Quiet and slow. Remind you who I was until you woke up. Janine taught me how to spin you stories to replace whatever would be going on. There would be a little cloud in your eye like you were there but also somewhere far away. Think the screaming exhausted ya so much you would just fall back asleep once I calmed ya down,” Melissa took a deep breath before continuing, “Other times you would start punching and thrashing. You would throw yourself off the bed if I let you. I used to have to hold you to me. Let you hit my shoulders and arms until you got it out. I would curl myself around you and hold you down till you stopped. It felt like torture watching you and having to hold you like that but it was like you couldn’t hear me. Not until you calmed down. Then you would just go completely still. Back asleep without even really waking up.”

You were crying now thinking of how scared Melissa must have been during those moments. Entirely alone and not understanding what was going on. You even remembered her trying to ask you a couple times what had happened from the night before. But you always pushed the fact you had nightmares back. As if ignoring them would make them go away. Instead it had made Melissa suffer in silence.

“Now Y/N,” Ouida said as you wiped away the wetness that rolled down your cheeks, “Tell Melissa why you never talked about these nightmares. What are they about?”

You went to reach for your normal stress ball that Ouida kept on the coffee table but remembered you had shattered it at a previous session. Melissa noticed your panic and extended a silver ring out towards you. An anxiety fidget ring that you had given to her as a gift when class had been overwhelming her. You took it from her gently the smooth metal spinning allowing you to catch your breath. 

“I don’t talk about them because they are all about her.Kylee. I have the nightmares because of Kylee,”You finally managed to get out and Ouida nodded for you to keep going the ring spinning faster in your fingers, “Most of them are about the belts. If I did anything. Spoke to loud, forgot something at the store, misplaced a fast food order, even breathed out of turn. She would beat me with a leather belt. There was one hanging in every room. A fear tactic to keep me following the rules. But the catch was that the rules changed second by second. There was not winning with her. There was only pain.”

A gasp could be heard from Melissa as you subconsciously rubbed your shoulder blade as if a welt would appear underneath your finger tips, “I can still hear the snapping of that belt to this day.”

“And what does the sound remind you of?” Ouida pushed and you could see the connections she was starting to draw.

You didn’t even look up as you spoke, “Thunder and…”

“A hand slapping on a counter,” Melissa finished and there was a crack in her voice, “I am so sorry baby. I am so sorry. I should have never done that.”

Your eyes finally met hers and it broke your heart. Her shoulders were shaking and tears were rushing down her face. The older woman’s hands were clasped together so tight that the tips of her fingers were starting to turn white. 

“Mel,” You said reaching out your hand but Melissa only buried further into herself. You could read all of the thoughts racing through her head. Punishing herself yet again for how she acted that night and how she had driven a wedge between you both. Your heart cracked and you scooted closer till you could wrap your hands around Melissa’s fist, “It isn’t your fault Angel. If I had told you… any of this we could have worked through it together. How were you supposed to know what triggered me when I kept it all from you?  It wasn’t fair. I pushed you away and forced you back into drinking. It is me who should be apologizing.”

Melissa was working to control her breathing as she unlaced her fingers and held your hand tightly, “I was scared that day we fought so I was really yearning for a drink. Something to give me a little courage. It was how I coped with everything.I was going to ask you to move in with me. Start creating that life we always talked about but I was scared to ruin everything. Like I always do… turns out I was right just in a different way. It’s my fault.”

You stilled at her words pieces starting to click together of the night everything crashed. She had been so on edge barely talking to you when you entered the house. Typically she took a couple of minutes to relax before cooking. Always asking how your day was but this time she went straight to the kitchen. Pulling out a large wine glass and then starting on the meal. You had tried to get her to open up and calm down but the more closed off she got the more in your head you became. It was why the glass had slipped in the first place. You were so worried that you hadn’t been paying attention. 

“It seems like all of this really started from lack of communication. Y/N for not wanting to open up about triggers and Melissa for not wanting to talk about her drinking,” Ouida pointed out, “My hope is to work on that communication in our sessions here and for it to come out in your journals as well. Y/N talked about some of her triggers so now the ball is in your court Melissa. Tell us more about your drinking. How did it all start?”

Melissa gulped and pulled herself closer to you as if your side could absorb her in, “Well I uh…had my first drink when I was ten maybe? It’s um. Okay. I have to. I need a second.”

You wrapped one arm around her the other still holding tight to her hand. Melissa took deep breaths trying to calm herself down. No one pushed her to talk Ouida only reached her hand across the table and rested a light hand on the redhead’s knee. When Melissa finally settled she patted Ouida’s hand and leaned her head against yours. 

“I guess the easiest way to explain it is that I’m not a Schemmenti. Not technically. My mother lied to my dad about how she got pregnant with me. I grew up with him as my Dad but really he was my step dad. She adored my step dad. Had been pining after him for years and was trying to win him over. She trapped him with his Catholic values. Saying that since she was pregnant they had to get married. When I came out a redhead he knew she was lying. My birth father was irish and everyone in his family has this burning red hair. There was no hiding it and divorce wasn’t an option. Not in the Schemmenti family. Instead he choose violence. Beating my mom into submission but he never laid a hand on me. He tried once and my mom almost cut his wrist off with a butcher knife. So instead he found a different way to beat me down.”

“He trained me to fight. Said that to earn a place among his favorites I had to win in the fighting ring. So I started training at 9 years old in the boxing ring. Anytime I messed up the boxing pad would knock me to the ground. He would hit me over the head with it. Knock my knees out. Body slam me. I learned really quick that I had to get it right or at least die trying. I was in the ring on my 10th birthday. Mom was at home with my two youngers siblings at the time but she encourage this whole thing. Told me it would build me character. That no daughter of her would walk the world without knowing how to fight back. My step dad told me if I didn’t win he would toss me out the car on the way home and make me find my way back.”

Melissa paused for a moment to wipe the tears from her face, “This wasn’t normal fighting. This was an all out brawl. The only way to win is if the person gave up or passed out. The girl I faced my first time was twice my size. But I was fighting for my life. I won that match and 60 more after that until I went to college. I was called Firecracker for my fierce temper and how I could always be a sure win for the bets. My father placed bets from the first game to my last. After that first game my dad shoved a beer in my hand and told me I earned a little relaxation. It hit hard taking me to a place where I was utterly numb. No emotions. No feelings. Nothing. Which I craved more than anything else. I just wanted to escape this life I felt so trapped in. Soon I was drinking even when I didn’t have a fight. The only reason I graduate was because high school was easy and any time I came home with a grade below an A my dad scheduled me for more fights. I learned really quick how to stay away from fights.”

“Right before I went to college my Aunt Anne was really drunk and told me the truth behind why I was fighting. That my dad really wasn’t my dad and he said I had to earn my Schemmenti name. My Aunt Anne told me I would never be a real Schemmeti no matter how many fights I did. He was gonna fight me till I died in the ring. At my fight that night I set out to prove everyone wrong. I fought like I had nothing to lose because I didn't. Either I won or I died in that ring. I beat that girl until they pulled me away from her. She didn't wake up for two days. I looked at my step dad waiting for him to be proud of me. Asked if I was a Schemmenti now. He said I would only be a bastard bitch.  I stopped fighting after that. I would have flashback of that girl pleading for her life…I still do. They echo in my head every time I don’t drink. If I let myself think for one second I see her face and the damage I caused. I had to get out so I moved and lived in my car till I moved into my dorm. ,” Melissa let out a choked sob, “I have never been anyone. Not a Schemmenti. Not a McLaren. Not even a Smith. No one has ever wanted me for me. I don't even know who I am anymore or if I ever knew to begin with. ”

You looked over at Melissa thinking of a million things you could tell her. That you saw her. The real her. The woman who showed up early at school to make sure her classroom was set up just right for her kids with neurodivergent needs. The woman who listened to every gospel song Barb had to practice for a big show. The woman who learned Gregory’s food aversions and made him a week’s worth of nutritional but safe meals. The woman who had helped Jacob find a new apartment after his break up and visited weekly to play board games. The woman who went toe to toe with Ava but kept it humorous and brought out the best in the principal. The woman who listened to all of Janine’s wacky ideas and tried to find ways to incorporate it into the curriculum pulling strings when needed. The woman who had looked at you and your broken pieces and saw more. Who chose you and never stopped. You saw her.

You went to tell her but she continued on, “I tried to get sober after I cut ties with my step dad. I was doing well out on my own till my dad came along. The real one. His name Len McLaren. An Irish pub owner who stepped out on his wife to sleep with my mom. He came to meet me once. Look at me and spilled his heart out about how he should have done better by me and loved me. But it was all a lie to get me to donate a liver to his daughter. With my history of drinking… I couldn’t do it. I tired but they wouldn’t let me. He called me disappointment and told me to never talk to him again. I thought he loved me..”

“At that point drinking was my only way through. To numb everything that felt so… all consuming. It all felt so pointless to be sober when my life was already ruined from it,” Melissa sighed leaning further against you, “I found Joe at the bar. And with one shred of kindness I gave him everything. No questions asked. He never hit me. Never yelled. But he was never there. Always with another woman. Finding himself somewhere else. I forgave him over and over because I knew that I deserved that pain. Then when we got married he told me no bitch like me would ever take his name. So I stayed a Schemmenti. I didn't feel like anyone… just a feather in the wind till I found you Y/N. You made me feel like someone. Like I was more than just this thing existing in the world but a real human being. One that mattered and could be loved. Until that day you told me to find someone better…I can’t find find someone better than you. There is no one else for me and losing you. I can’t.”

“You aren't going to lose me. Ever. I promise Mel,” You said through tears turning to wrap Melissa in a crushing hug. You placed your forehead against hers, “I see you Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti. I know who you are.”

Melissa  let out a choke sob before burying into your shoulder for a couple of moments letting the comfort of your words rush over her. Ouida waited till a calm seemed to come over the room, “Look how strong both if you are. To overcome all that has been put against you to find each other. It is no one’s fault for what happened. Blaming yourself is not going to fix it. But maybe this will. All of this honesty and vulnerability. It isn’t going to be easy but that is why we are working through it together. One day at a time.”

You leaned back to wipe the tears from Melissa’s face and for the first time in your whole relationship you saw the woman underneath the amber liquid. All the way to the little girl who from the first moment she opened her eyes wanted to be loved. And you loved her. Every single line, moment, scar, and memory. Hoping to express everything without sayin the words you placed your lips to her temple.

“One day a time,” You both whispered. 

Melissa didn’t let go of your hand as the next therapy appointment was scheduled and your journals were collected. Placing them in your respective bags Melissa gave Ouida a swift hug with one arm whispering something in her ear. Ouida smiled a watery look coming over her eyes but she only smiled in response. From there the redhead lead you from the building making sure that her side was always pressed against hers. 

“Are you okay?” You asked Melissa as you both stopped outside of your car, “Therapy has a way of being helpful yet draining everything out of you at the same time.”

“It’s been a long day that is for sure,” Melissa chuckled darkly, “My sponsor had me talk through all of this during our morning meeting to make sure I prepared myself. That way it wouldn’t be as triggering to talk about it. Talking about my drinking is hard but with you… it doesn’t seem as scary.”

“Ava is your sponse,” You said barely above a whisper a lightbulb clicking in your head.

“That easy to guess huh?”

“Only because I pay attention to you. After I saw you in her office I thought something was up,” You shrugged, “Is it helping? The meetings with Ava? AA?”

Melissa smiled, “It really is. Still have a long road ahead of me but I got you to help me along the way right?”

You nodded before kissing her cheek gently, “You got me every step of the way Angel. Can I call you later?”

“Of course,” Melissa said immediately and then stood back to watch you climb in the car. She shut the door gently and gave you a small wave as you pulled out of the parking lot and down the street. 

She walked to her car slowly letting the setting sun and cool breeze that came with it calm her racing heart. Therapy had taken everything from her. Remembering all those old memories and watching your reactions had cracked her shell. Vulnerability had never been her strong suit but if that is what she had to do to get you back she would. Never again was she going to let you slip through her fingers because she was afraid to speak. 

When she entered her home the silence seemed to suffocate her so she quickly open Spotify clicking on the first song that popped up. The music filled the space around her and the lyrics played back in her head as she had made her way to her room.  Well it’s not your fault that someone came // into your life and messed up all your plans // and it’s not your fault that you were kind // and nice enough to give a second chance // and it’s not your fault that you were strong // and had to be when everyone forgot. 

Melissa showered with her phone sitting on the sink playing the song on repeat. The hot water washed away from the grime of the day and the emotions that still seemed to seep from every pore. When it had turned cold she got out looking into the mirror. Something she hadn’t done in days afraid that the monster would be waiting on her. Instead tired green eyes looked back at her. A semblance of the woman she used to be not the monster she had become and it made her smile. 

Once in her closet she riffled through her clothes finding the last shirt that you had left and pulled it around her. Then she pulled up all the drawers until she found every single belt she owned. She threw them in the trash can taking a deep breath, “Never again will she be triggered in my house. Not by this.”

As the final words fell from her lips her phone began to vibrate. Your face looked back up at her with a Facetime notification. She answered and there you were wrapped in your bed buried amongst the pillows and blankets. You were exhausted that was plain a heaviness to your soul before you even spoke.

“Hey that is my shirt,” You joked but your usual smile was absent. 

“Says the person that has my jacket,” Mel grinned in return, “If you give it back I will wear it for you. Get that Melissa smell you wanted back.”

“I want it back in three days,” You said seriously, “It’s mine by common law.”

“I promise I'll give it back baby,” The older woman joked and then softened when you didn't even smile, “Why did you call sweetheart?”

“I just… It’s been an exhausting day. I needed to hear and see you,” You admitted, “I know we just saw each other. But I.. I need you.”

Melissa almost offered to come over. Wrap you up in her arms and kiss away your worries. But she hesitated, torn on where the line was. So instead she put the decision on you, “I am right here,how can I help?”

You paused for a moment, “Can you read to me?”

“Of course,” Melissa grabbed the book on her nightstand sliding on her glasses, “This okay? I'm working through it with my kiddos but I like to read ahead.”

“Tristan Strong,” And your smile finally appeared, “When did you start that?”

“Over the last week. Someone told me that I should be reading more diverse books to my children so they know superheroes can look like them,” Melissa winked making you laugh, “Now relax, I got you baby.”Within minutes you were asleep but Melissa kept reading until the chapter was done. Your snores filled the space around her and she watched you over the phone. Curled into the pillow an ease to your presence finally. As if Melissa alone could scare away whatever was haunting you. She laid down on her own pillows propping you up against her stack of books. Leaving the light on so you could see her if she woke up she settled down to sleep. She blew a kiss towards the screen and whispered I love you baby.

-

Taglist

@writerspirit // @casualfoxwitch // @panerasbox // @babytakeittothehead // @milfjuulpod // @yoyo-w // @cupldscntrl // @milfslvr // @liliapleasesteponme // @marvel210 // @derpyavocado // @morgana-larkin // @tsuki-brujita

[3amfanfiction]

Chapter Index for Doll and Darling

Explore the lives of Doll and Darling who have been kidnapped by Simon and John. This is a dead dove fic in a hurt/no comfort style. Please check trigger warnings. 18+ MDNI

Simon Draws a Bath - 3.2k Your kidnapper draws you a bath. This one is mean and can be skipped, there's no plot relevance in this story.

Meeting the Price Family - 3.3k You and Simon take a surprise up to meet the Price family

Back to the Prices - 5.3k You and Simon go back to the Price house

Darling and John Meet - 6.3k Let's go back to the beginning and find out how Darling and John met. Did she go with her kidnapper willingly or was she snatched off the side of the road?

Ghost and Doll Meet - 2k We get to see how Ghost brought Doll home.

Simon Goes on a Trip - 10k Doll goes to stay with the Prices for a little bit while Simon is gone. Does she get to see her baby this time?

Doll Catches a Break - Who's that knocking at the door?

Icepacks and Haircuts - Simon fixes up his toy

Pinned Post || Current Works

[pumpkin-cowboy]

I’ve been posting a lot of the Locked Tomb posts recently that have gotten some notes and I want all of the Locked Tomb fans reading this to check out these two books RIGHT NOW while you’re waiting for Alecto news!

I recommend both of these books SO much. The Spirit Bares it’s Teeth is out September 5th.

[ohhajeong]

( Ha So-hee / 25 / she/her ) — Oh Ha-jeong has been living in Port Leiry for a matter of days. They currently work as an Assassin for Clan Reardon, and are 25 471 years old. No one is sure if they’re actually a vampire or if they’re connected to Clan Reardon. They tend to be quite rational, cold, and ruthless, but can also be inquisitive and efficient.

Name: Oh Ha-Jeong

Nickname: Hajeong, Jeong, Breath of Death

Occupation: Silent Owner of PL Boat Rental Assassin

Age: 25 471 (24 August)

Species: Vampire

Clan: Reardon

Hometown: Yeongdeok, Korea

Personality Traits: cold, ruthless, rational, playful, goal-oriented, inquisitive, erudite, efficient, cynical, compassionate

(TW. Child Abuse, Kidnapping, Pirates, murder, blood, violence, war, guns)

001. Born in a small fishing village on the east coast of Korea during the Joseon dynasty. Growing up the sea was a close companion and salt water practically ran through her veins. She adored her parents and her sister and became known throughout the village for being quick to action.

002. She was still quite young when the raiders attacked, Wokou. She wasn’t quite fast enough then. She remembered taking the ear of the man who grabbed her between her teeth, the first drop in a long life of tasting blood.

003. By the time The Tortoise found her when she was older, she had been sold to a street fighting gang where her nightly but the man with eyes older than his neck knew what she did not. That the age of the Wokou was coming to an end. As the howls of dying men and the burning of a building scarred with the blood of her compatriots fell around her, the man watched as Ha-Jeong clawed her way back into the pit, taking one last victim. The head of the league, the one who she had imagined reaping every fight he had put her through. The Tortoise offered a hand to her in the aftermath, an offer, and he hand bruised and scarred with violence reached for it.

004. He took her under his wing, trained her in more practical ways of fighting. She adored life on the boat, fit in with his crew of misfits who had all clung to life and had decided to help the ancient entity who had taken them under his shell. The Tortoise also taught her to read. Knowledge laid bare before her. She found in her adventures that books and knives were her preferred form of payment, knowledge and defense. The balance suited her. Salt and blood and paper would be what she would build her life on.

005. She knew there had been risks when it came to this excursion. But she was bleeding out. This was the end. Until it wasn’t. “Do you want to live little crane?” She heard him whisper. And as the thrum of life in her ears slowed she found herself biting back, yes.

006. Death suited Ha-Jeong more than life ever had. The Tortoise instilled reverence and indulged her in her desire for knowledge. She wasn’t human, not anymore, but she found taking a step back from life had made the venture all the more fascinating. He left her with teachers and instructors throughout their journies and she attempted to absorb it all.

007. These weren’t the hunters she had seen in her travels. That she had both run from and trained with. These were other night walkers, other undead. The stake bit through the heart of the Tortoise. She knew he was gone before he hit the ground. She was over two centuries old, and death was an old friend in their line of work. They got away.

008. But Death followed, slowly and meticulously. “Only the weak bark,” he had told her. She didn’t bark, she barely breathed. And it was in between breathes she took her revenge. Earned her name.

009. Pirating from afar would not be her style. She would always return to the Sea but she was not a tortoise. She left the boat in the care of a girl that had come to them over the years. The faces changed but the intention was always the same, life had value. Ha-Jeong took off on her own. Revenge satisfied she intended to learn more of the changing world, observe humanity, aid it where she could, but she wasn’t not of it. She had lost that long ago.

010. She had held a gun before but none like the beauties they started making as the century, yet again turned. A far shot, the accuracy only to be improved. Just as deadly from above as she was below. Ha-Jeong thought being ‘sharp shooting’ was a fine art.

011. The world was opening, globalizing, for better or worse. She met another skilled fighter. Indulged her interest, learned his craft. He was a human that outaged herself, a rare thing. In this way he was more a part and seperate from the world than she was. An equal.

012. Decades passed and he started listening to whispers she knew better than to heed. ‘We are not like them, but that does not make us gods.” The Tortoise had said. She was confident she could outmaneuver almost anyone but the whispers of power that came from the legion that did not speak were nothing but trouble.

013. He stopped showing up one day, she didn’t know what had happened. Could only hope he had t fallen into the trap of power that had been laid but she had her own problems at hand. Her home country called to her.

014. The Japanese invasion sparked resistance. She joined the side of preservation. The horrors of the early 20th century were unparalleled. Still she always managed to evade capture. Always a breath away from death.

015. The Secound World War ended and she was tainted with the blood of good people, fellows who had deserved better. And yet it never got better. The Japanese had gone but unrest remained.

016. She watched tension and outside forces cannibalize her nation. Saw the worst of humanity. Saw human spirits breaking. She met another friend. Someone who had lungs like hers. They spoke of a clan, a place to belong. A place where causes and human spirits were foreign. It was almost piratry. She had known it once and after decades of trying to fight for a cause and loosing. Her conscious needed a break.

017. She was a form gun for higher. Hiding behind her crosshair. Humans and supernaturals mattered less through a crosshair. She still trained, kept her body agile, was ready for any sort of fight. But she preferred the impersonal.

018. Not them. She couldn’t do it. Wouldn’t do it. Some small nostalgic part of her. This person did not deserve to die. A Shot not Taken.

019. Reardon sent her to Port Leiry. A semi-retirement. She had handed the man at the dock a wad of cash and the sea was hers. She would take her shots for Reardon and return to the docks when she was done. Little did she know, Port Leiry was not the quiet town it had been made out to be.

Wanted Connections

A Pupil- a hunter Ha-Jeong trained, maybe they knew what she was, maybe they only found out later. Either way she was sought out to train this person in the way of killing and killing well.

The Shot Not Taken- Recently in her career, for whatever reason, Jeong refused to take out a target and that is why she is now being sent to Port Leiry.

The Contracted- People she has worked with throughout her line of work. She’s been around since the 50s, you could have run into her anywhere. Even if she was just a breath in the shadow.

The Hunted- Has she taken a shot at you in the past, someone you liked. She’s impersonal but who knows who hired her.

They Who Hire- Need her to do a job. Do away with someone. She operates in coin and for the rare few will be tempted by the human cause.

Humanity Roots- There have been people who have come in and out of Jeong’s life over the years. Lovers, acquaintances, distractions. Some ways to indulge her deep seated humanity.

Sea wanderers- Boat Rental customers and Regulars.

Open to any and all connections just let me know.

[homesickfornowhere]

Books that I’ve read recently and would recommend. 🖤 Part 2

A Dowry of Blood by S. T. Gibson. A reimagining of Dracula’s brides, written in letters to Dracula from his first wife, Constanta. I love anything vampire-related and can’t even describe how much I loved this book.

A God in the Shed by J. -F. Dubeau. A fantastic horror novel set in a messed up little town. A murder investigation, a serial killer, a god trapped in a shed (literally), the occult, ancient evils, blood and gore, and lots of twists and turns.

The Poppy War by R. F. Kuang. A historical/grimdark fantasy novel heavily inspired by the Second Sino-Japanese war. Very violent and graphic, but an amazing read.

My Best Friend’s Exorcism by Grady Hendrix. A fun 80s demon possession story set during the satanic panic. A teen girl drops acid, gets lost in the woods, and accidentally gets possessed by a demon — and it’s up to her friend to save her. Gorey and campy.

Maggie’s Grave by David Sodergren. A pregnant woman, falsely accused of being a witch and brutally murdered, takes revenge on a Scottish town centuries later. Fun, fast-paced folk horror meets splatterpunk with an endless amount of gore.

The Island by Adrian McKinty. A tense, fast-paced thriller set in in an island off of the coast of Australia. This book genuinely stressed me out and made me want to bite my nails, but I couldn’t put it down. A bit of Wolf Creek vibes.

Delicious Monsters by Liselle Sambury. A ghost story and psychological horror with dual timelines. Family drama, a haunted house, toxic parents, etc.

Never Lie by Freida McFadden. A psychological thriller with a great twist. When their realtor doesn’t show up, newlyweds take shelter from a blizzard in a manor that belongs to a missing psychiatrist.

Six Crimson Cranes by Elizabeth Lim. This book and the world within it makes my heart flutter. A dreamy, whimsical fairy tale blended with East Asian folklore.

The Overnight Guest by Heather Gudenkauf. An atmospheric mystery/thriller. A writer travels to an isolated farmhouse where two unsolved murders and the disappearance of a girl took place decades earlier, and plans to finish her book while snowed in. Things go down hill after she finds a young child outside and decides to bring him in from the cold.

Clytemnestra by Costanza Casati. A retelling of Greek mythology, and such a beautiful and heartbreaking book.

A Day of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon. A a high fantasy novel and standalone prequel to The Priory of the Orange Tree. Amazing world building, amazing writing, amazing characters, and dragons.

Ring by Koji Suzuki. I’ve always loved the films, both Ringu and The Ring, but I’ve never read the book until now and I highly recommend it if you haven’t either.

[jackiesnats]

okay okay i caved and bought "I Fell in Love with Hope." jhaljahdf and the audiobook

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

the fact that the news about Neil Gaiman first broke out months ago and it is only now, after the horrific Vulture article are most people finding out about it proves that just speaking out never works out for women; they have to rip themselves out completely apart and relieve the most graphic details for the world to believe them

[californiannostalgia]

On Dandadan's Dual Protagonists

I've watched the anime and read some chapters of the manga, and I think I understand why Momokarun works so well.

The antagonistic forces in Dandadan's world are violently nonconsensual and deal with deprivation of agency from women, children, etc. Momo and Okarun are to each other the first person to respect their boundaries. Possibly the first person that they hear apologies from, after an inconsiderate comment was pointed out.

These dual protagonists will take down the other's walls to have an unflinching talking-to, especially when there are things that need to be said. But they always respect boundaries when they're lined out. This is what lets them be comfortable around each other, to the point where they allow the other to come much further into their personal bubble than anyone else.

Momokarun make allowances for each other that they would never think to make for anyone else. They trust each other with their lives. They shared one intense fight for safety and agency, and then they just kept on going like that. They make each other feel powerless in affection and powerful in companionship. But most importantly, they make each other feel safe.

The two themes of Dandadan are consent and compassion, by the way.

Aira hugs the scary ghost that killed her and tells her, 'I love you.' Jiji cries for a demon and willingly gives up bodily agency for him. Ayase "shounen-protagonist" Momo is strongest when she's fighting for someone else's sake. Takakura "my-friends-call-me-Okarun" Ken will throw himself in between the worst monster and its victim, because isn't that just what you do when you see someone in trouble?

Not only is Momokarun a practice in consent, but they're also about that compassion. Within the narrative, the first person Momo found new empathy for is Okarun, and vice versa.

Ah, to be known and loved by the first person who really, truly saw you.

[italiantea]

his prey animal swag

[yardsards]

also. i've said it before but infinity train is for the aros. to me. like it's got multiple relationships that are core defining features of the characters and the story. and, crucially, (while some are commonly shipped by fans) they are not textually romantic.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

AH. So that's why they put that content warning. I see!

[corporalmoth]

misbehaviour punishment

[redflagshipwriter]

preview for Check Yes to go on a Date with a Dead Guy

Danny opened his mouth. He shut it. He put a hand over his mouth. “Huh,” he said. “Huh.” His brow furrowed. “If I said it was scientific curiosity and that passion for death runs in my family- no, I hear it.” He flapped a hand at Jason to cut off the laugh he couldn’t stop. “Hush. Okay. Fine.” He stood up a little straighter. “I’m a necrophiliac and I’m proud.”

A window banged shut in the kitchen and there was a clatter as someone’s shitty little brother fell into the sink.

“...Hi, Duke!” Danny called.

Masterpost

[deerabigailhobbs]

You can't convince he isn't a welshman

[plumdale]

Twins 😃 named after kitay & rin from the poppy war trilogy, one of the best series I’ve ever been blessed to read.